The verdict on former President Donald Trump’s felony charges in the “hush money” trial was revealed as guilty last Thursday, May 30. Trump has paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to buy adult film star Stormy Daniels’ silence in 2016, and was charged with 34 counts of first degree falsification of business records. 

In an interview with Fox News, he called the money  “Daddy’s shush swag,” and alternatively, “sticky icky bucks.”

As the clerk posed the question of the final verdicts, the foreperson managed through 34 utterances of “guilty” as Trump interrupted each declaration.

“Explain to me how suddenly getting ******* is a felony in this great country,” the former President stated. “I mean, come on, New York. Virgins, all of you. And I love virgins, a lot of people know that.”

“‘Guilty, guilty, guilty,’ I’m sure he’s a great guy but how many times is he going to say that?” Trump interjected again. “This has got to be the absolute most times I have ever heard one word repeated over and over in one day in my entire beautiful life. Except… for that day with Stormy because that woman kept repeating ‘Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew,’” he mumbled under his breath as he rocked back and forth in his seat.

“This trial is tremendously fake; some may even say more fake than my good friend Stormy’s ***,” Trump said, earning several gasps from the jury. “No one knows fake like me,” Trump muttered, a faraway look in his squinted eyes. 

He ripped off his combover wig and flung it at the jury, shouting, “Let me tell you, this gorgeous wig, which I very much love very much, is as fake as this huge disaster of a trial, which is one of the worst in history. Sad!” 

Between the verdict of charges 33 and 34, Trump took to the stand and began to serenade the jury with ‘Ride’ by Lana Del Rey. “Been trying hard not to get into trouble, but I… I got a war in my mind,” the former President belted. “I just ride… I just ride.” 

When he was done with the song, he continued his performance with the “Ride” music video monologue.
“I was always an unusual girl,” Trump wistfully proclaimed. “My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality… just an inner indecisiveness that was as huge and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying. Fact.”

Judge Juan Merchan allowed the former President to continue his performance for the full ten minutes. 

“It seemed like he really needed to have that moment, and in that moment, I saw him, vulnerable for the first time,” Merchan told CNN.

“Who are you?” Trump breathed into his microphone. “Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have. I am f***ing crazy. But I am free.”

“I actually voted for Trump’s innocence because of the ‘Ride’ monologue,” said an anonymous juror. “He’s just a girl.”

“We are the granddaughters of the witches you couldn’t burn,” Trump added as his closing statement.