Homecoming is in less than two weeks, but instead of exciting plans I’ll be making excuses not to go. My whole life, I’ve dreaded dances: They’re loud, crowded and full of potentially awkward situations. No thank you, I’d rather stay at home and watch Hulu.
Reasons I can’t go to Homecoming:
I have a lot of homework. But maybe if you helped me with my math, I could go—hey! Why are you running away?
I’m grounded, my parents put bars on my windows and everything.
It’s flu season. I’m contagious.
It’s flu season. You’re contagious.
I broke all my toes. Ouch.
The dog ate my dress.
I spent all my money on my dress (the one the dog ate) and now I can’t afford a ticket.
I’m allergic to teen spirit.
Six years ago today my goldfish died, and I just can’t have a good time knowing how much he’d love to be here right now.
Terrible things that will probably happen at Homecoming:
I’ll be trampled to death in the crowd of dancing people.
My feet will be stepped on.
I’ll go deaf from how loud the music is.
I’ll stand alone in a corner all night.
My future son will travel backwards in time and I’ll fall in love with him and not my husband.