Why One Girl Refuses To Go To Homecoming

Homecoming is in less than two weeks, but instead of exciting plans I’ll be making excuses not to go. My whole life, I’ve dreaded dances: They’re loud, crowded and full of potentially awkward situations. No thank you, I’d rather stay at home and watch Hulu.

Reasons I can’t go to Homecoming:

I have a lot of homework. But maybe if you helped me with my math, I could go—hey! Why are you running away?

I’m grounded, my parents put bars on my windows and everything.
It’s flu season. I’m contagious.

It’s flu season. You’re contagious.

I broke all my toes. Ouch.

The dog ate my dress.

I spent all my money on my dress (the one the dog ate) and now I can’t afford a ticket.

I’m allergic to teen spirit.

Six years ago today my goldfish died, and I just can’t have a good time knowing how much he’d love to be here right now.

Terrible things that will probably happen at Homecoming:

I’ll be trampled to death in the crowd of dancing people.

My feet will be stepped on.

I’ll go deaf from how loud the music is.

I’ll stand alone in a corner all night.

My future son will travel backwards in time and I’ll fall in love with him and not my husband.