The Talon Picks Its Own Categories and Winners for the Awards Season

Hollywood may be taking a break from the award season, but that hasn’t stopped us here at The Talon from coming up with our own special awards to honor the films produced in 2007. The envelopes are ready, so here are the awards.

Best Fashion Statement – “300”
The great outfits worn by Will Ferrell and Jon Heder in “Blades of Glory” might have been able to win this award any other year, but no film comes close to the mighty Spartans of “300” kaing it cool to wear Speedos again. The red capes, vambraces and helmets topped off the hottest outfit of the year.

Best Weapon – “No Country for Old Men”
“300” looked to have its second victory early on with King Leonidas’ sword, but “No Country for Old Men”s Javier Bardem wins this one with his portrayal of Anton Chigurh. Anton had a shotgun with the world’s largest silencer, which would have been enough to win the award, but he secured his victory with an air-compression gun that is usually used to kill cows. Creativity never hurts.

Most Likely to Make a Guy Cry – “I Am Legend”
Girls may cry during “The Notebook” and countless other movies, but it is rare that a movie come along that elicits such an emotion from men. It takes something special to get the tears to swell up in the eyes of a burly man, and to be honest, the whole “Old Yeller” plot is what gets the guys. Men and canines have a special bond that no woman could ever realistically hope of achieving. The subplot of “I Am Legend” about the dog is what makes the movie so emotionally powerful.

Most Unrealistic Onscreen Hookup – “Transformers”
“Transformers” had everything a summer blockbuster needs, but in a film about cars that transforms, the most unrealistic part was the hookup between Shia LeBeouf and Megan Fox. There is no way that Even Stevens should ever get with that hot a chick, not even it the world is about to come to an end.

Best Visual Effects – “Beowulf”
Most would argue that “300” is the most deserving of this award because of its unique comic book style. But the best visual effects belonged to “Beowulf,” simply because “300” did not have Angelina Jolie almost naked (the rest of the effects were cool, I guess).

Best Use of Modern American Capitalism – “American Gangster”
If students are ever having trouble in economics, they should turn to “American Gangster” to see supply and demand at its finest. Frank Lucas, played by Denzel Washington, corners the heroin market in New York City by selling a superior product at a lower price, while using brand recognition to entice buyers. Mr. Freeman and Mr. Miyahara would be so proud.

Best Film of the Year – “No Country For Old Men”
This is what everyone has been waiting for, and now here it is. Cue the lights, start the drum roll, and get the envelope. The award for film of the year goes to … “No Country For Old Men” for its portrayal of an innocent man caught in the middle of a drug deal gone wrong. Congratulations the Coen Brothers, feel free to come by any time to accept this prestigious award (I promise there will be no protesting writers here on campus).