Lips to Yourself

Spring is in the air. The birds and the bees are getting down to business, flowers are beginning to bloom and the sun has re-emerged after another California winter. But the most noticeable characteristic of spring is the unmistakable scent of sex that exists between couples.

Public displays of affection (PDAs) reach an all-year high during springtime. Couples afflicted by this disease feel the need to let everyone know just how much they want a private room.

Unfortunately, they are never patient enough to wait for one. What happened to sneaking behind a shrub, building or bleachers to steal a kiss? Perhaps common decency is a long-gone fad, like Beanie Babies (Although I’m still praying for the return of both.)

Don’t get me wrong—couples have every right to hold hands and kiss and show their affection for one another in a classy way. If it isn’t distracting, even I don’t have a problem with it.

But when PDAs involve such intense makeout sessions that anyone who walks by knows the number of cavities participants have, something needs to be said.

Consider the predicament in which I found myself in last week. As I was trying to eat a sandwich, a couple decided the corner right across from me was the perfect place to PDA. After a disgustingly sloppy kiss that was already drawing attention, the pair decided softcore porn would be even more entertaining and proceeded to actively grope each other for five minutes. Needless to say, my gag reflex was triggered.

And this was downtown Los Altos on a busy Friday afternoon.

I have to admit that I am drawn to watching PDAs like an insect is drawn to light. It is an excruciatingly painful experience that makes my eyes burn, but it is also practically impossible to look away. Believe me, I’ve tried.

It is still a mystery to me why couples feel the need to constantly PDA. There are plenty of private spots on campus that would serve as perfect places to help drop the “public” from “public displays of affection.” Yet couples continue to feel the need to involve everyone in their overly passionate hook-ups.

To all those couples out there that like to PDA: What are you trying to prove? That your hormones are in good supply? We get it.

So the next time you lean in toward your boyfriend or girlfriend in a hallway full of people, remember that the comments being whispered aren’t about the “love” you share.

They’re about the hotel down the street you should really check out.