Surely, You Jest?: Prestigious Frat Recruits Senior With Drinking Scholarship

After reviewing a Facebook photo album containing no fewer than 7 beer kegs, 14 empty bottles of vodka and what looked suspiciously like a moonshine production vat, Dartmouth University’s top-ranked Mu Omega fraternity announced Tuesday that it intends to recruit LAHS senior Bruce Anheuser to its varsity drinking team.

“Usually we try not to flatter our drinkers, but Bruce completely blew our recruiters away,” Mu Omega Dean of Admissions Bria Hale said. “We don’t get many applicants who take shots of 100-proof vodka then do keg stands to ‘catch their breath.’ That shows he has practiced.”

Mu Omega’s team is in NCAA’s Division One, which means Bruce will have tough competition from schools across the nation—schools that are also recruiting top high school alcohol enthusiasts. Hale isn’t worried, though.

“Bruce is a committed individual willing to challenge himself to achieve,” Hale said. “He regularly pushes himself past his limit in hopes that he will do better, and he is not afraid to throw up. Bruce is an inspiration and I can’t wait to have him on our team.”

Of course, Bruce’s talents didn’t manifest overnight. While most other seventh graders were awkwardly trying to dance to hip-hop music at junior high dances six years ago, Bruce was hanging with the big boys. This is where he believes he discovered his true calling.

“I was just a kid, really,” Bruce said. “Chilling with my older brother and his friends. I thought he said it was root beer, so I took a sip. That was the night I first fell in love.”

“If you want to succeed, you’ve got to start young,” Bruce added.

Bruce will apply to Dartmouth as a standard athletic recruit in the fall. He will also submit a supplement for Mu Omega’s scholarship package that includes an essay on why he wants to be a Mu Omega and data from an alcohol blood-test taken just before the threshold where he passes out. At certain parties, Bruce’s threshold has ranked among the top 10 in the nation, so he is optimistic that he might receive a scholarship in addition to admission.

“This is my passion,” Bruce said. “I’ve worked my entire life for this. It just seems so incredible that I can finally achieve all my highest aspirations. Cheers.”