Editor’s Note 1/30/24: A previous version of the article misnamed the Counseling Department Coordinator. The name has since been replaced with a pseudonym.

Statements made in this article are not to be taken as fact. Satire is protected by California state law. None of the content in this article is malicious in nature.

LOS ALTOS HIGH SCHOOL, LOS ALTOS, CALIFORNIA. 

Citing their desire to prioritize logistical concerns over student well-being, administrators will no longer allow students to make schedule changes at the start of the next school year.

“It’s too much work to change schedules in August,” the Los Altos High School administration said in a press release. “Our administration is tirelessly working to fix what isn’t broken. We have no time for petty things like making sure our students feel empowered to try new classes, with the security of changing their schedules if they realize they took on too much.”

Since the new schedule selection system locks students into their choices much earlier, they need a way to predict what workloads their classes next year will require. Since the true workloads of a class differ from day-to-day, student-to-student and course-to-course, the administration has implemented a new planning resource for the 2,100 students at LAHS.

“The idea hit me like a truck — the only way for the kids to predict their workloads this early is to look into a crystal ball,” Principal Tracey Runeare said. “The reassurance that I’ll never actually be hit by a truck was a pleasant side benefit,” she added.

The school has contracted with a renowned fortune-telling group known as “Melanie the Magical Medium! (And Friends!)” and hopes to bring their services to students in the next few weeks.

“I don’t usually get large organizations calling me up,” Fortune Teller and Founding Psychic Melanie Johnston said. “But I just love to help when I can, and as the district has hired me for my ‘Last Minute Emergency Psychic Services,’ I know I will be put to urgent and much-needed use. I only wish they’d contracted me sooner — they don’t seem very good at predicting the results of their choices.”

This new resource is already bringing relief to a stressed and confused student body.

“I worried a lot,” sophomore Sean Dredon said. “Would AP Physics be too much for me with football, basketball and baseball, or would I regret not taking it? Magical Melanie helped me know that I will be able to keep up with the homework load, because after tearing my ACL this coming summer, I won’t be able to do any sports.”

The psychics are also bringing relief to counselors, who, under the new system, are responsible for advising students on what classes to take next year.

“There is no other solution,” Counselor Pete Wolfe said. “There’s no way our counselors can know all the ins and outs of each class and of each student. With a psychic, we can truly see what will be right for them.”

“This is much better than our original plan to simply scare kids out of taking classes that could be challenging,” Administrator Aaron Roberts said. “It really is a magical solution. Did you get the pun?”

When asked what was ineffective about the old system, which allowed teachers to give personalized advice to students they’d gotten to know for a semester and a half, Roberts attempted to change the subject. 

“Couldn’t you ask a question about the tardy policy?” Roberts said. “Or the closure of the cycle track? Or the earlier start to the school day? Or something?”

The school has hired five psychics who will be available for meetings in a new psychic wing which is estimated to be completed in 2033, the construction of which will shut down half of campus.

The Article was updated to change the projected end date of construction from 2028 to 2033 due to construction delays.