Onion Punch

School Board to Vote on Lefties’ Rights

An effort to ban left-handed students from enrolling in AP and honors classes has gained unexpected support among school board members in recent weeks, citing the fifteenth-century belief that those more proficient on the left side are the children of Satan.

“The beautiful bond between an advanced placement teacher and a gifted child is a sacred tradition nearly as old as the school system itself,” said Jane Hedgerow, director of the Los Altos branch of the Church of Middle Ages. “If these lefty friends refuse to denounce the Devil and write with their right hands the way God intended, then we must cease the blasphemy of letting them take challenging classes that weight their GPAs.”

Little known to the general community, an effort to exclude left-handed students from popular programs has been underway for several years. The initiative has gained unprecedented energy and momentum this fall, however, due to the inclusion of a similarly discriminatory proposition on the state’s November ballot.

“If voters can decide whether they want to exclude same-sex marriage, why can’t the school board vote on keeping left-handed kids out of my AP classes?” Hedgerow’s son senior Michael Hedgerow-Smith said. “Bill of Rights, schmill of schmights. It’s time we get back to family values.

The church to which Michael and Hedgerow belong believes in applying the religious methodology of medieval Europe to modern-day lawmaking. Their claim that left-handed individuals worship Satan is directly supported somewhere in the Bible, although they are not sure exactly where.

Despite the state Supreme Court having ruled 17 times that a rule excluding left-handed individuals from AP and honors classes would be “entirely unconstitutional,” the church and its allies have succeeded in bring the topic up for a vote at next week’s board meeting.

The School Board initially refused to include the vote on the agenda but later agreed after the Latter-Day Middle Agists presented survey results indicating that such a law would be quite popular in the Los Altos Area. According to Hedgerow, when his church surveyed more than 1,000 voters, asking them, “Do you believe left-handed children should be allowed to enroll in honors classes, and would you like to talk about Jesus?” more than 87 percent answered no.