I hate Valentine’s Day with a passion.

Every single year it’s just another reminder of how undesirable and unattractive I am to the opposite sex. Another stupid holiday that I only think is stupid because I always happen to be single come February 14.

I mean it just kind of sucks when you’re the only one out of a bunch of people without bouquets of three-day old roses and boxes of stale chocolates you can get at Long’s Drugs for $5.99. I’m pretty desperate for anything at this point and I know a bunch of other girls in the same exact situation are too. You could probably buy one of us anything though. I bet you could give us weight loss pills and we’d still think of it as a very thoughtful gift. And if not, I guess that just shows you how in-touch with my romantic/thoughtful-side I really am.

I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten a Valentine’s Day gift actually. Maybe in elementary school when the teachers made you give hologram Looney Toons valentines to the rest of the class, but, as everyone knows, those don’t exactly count.

Valentine’s Day usually just tends to make me very bitter. Like last year my friend and I spent our afternoon throwing candy hearts at people from her apartment window. One point for actual body contact, five for an “Ouch,” 10 for a “What the F&@%” and 20 for a head-shot.
The year before, the same friend and I joined the anti-Valentine’s Day coalition. We had plans to egg the Hallmark store, wear black and just be general romantic downers. Except it didn’t really end up working out since I think we were the only two members.

Yeah, I know, I’m pathetic.

But seriously, what is there to be chipper about on Valentine’s day?
I mean, really, what was so dreamy about this Saint Valentine guy anyway? Wasn’t he like a first century priest who was beaten to death with clubs and beheaded?

Uhm, well I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very swoon-worthy to me.

But whatever, I’m fine with being bitter. Especially about something as dumb as Valentine’s Day. Who needs their ego stroked with presents and candy? I, for one, would prefer to regard February 14 as just another day on the calendar.

And hey, who knows? Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that no one seems to like me at all. Maybe I’m better off being an independent, strong woman who doesn’t need a man! Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t turn into some romantic moron pining after anything (and everything) that moves.

Or maybe I’m secretly hoping someone really will buy me something this year, just so I don’t have to buy myself a card and sign it “Your Secret Admirer”… again.