ASB Disbands Following Dodgeball Humiliation

In the wake of what many spectators are calling a “crushing defeat” during this morning’s dodgeball match, the leaders of the Associated Student Body have voted unanimously to disband their organization entirely.

Remarking on her “inability to continue” and “lack of purpose” after losing to The Talon in a final sudden-death third round, ASB President Meg Enthoven made the announcement during today’s lunch period, a single tear trickling down her cheek as she struggled against the memories of the morning’s massacre.

“This isn’t the ASB I signed up to lead,” Meg said. “I came here to work with winners, and that’s just not the spirit I saw today.”  

Senior Adam Spielman was unavailable for comment, as he remained completely paralyzed, mouth agape, in the center of the quad, after the final whistle blew. Administrators are hoping that today’s warm sunlight might be enough to break his frozen manner, but spectators remain doubtful.

“I don’t know how you come back from that,” a bewildered onlooker said. “I really don’t.”

The students of ASB’s sixth period class were also unresponsive, although one investigative visitor reported that the usually vibrant classroom was in the process of holding a fifty-minute mourning period, in a silence broken only by the soft sucking of thumbs and the quiet carpet sounds of forty people rocking back and forth, some clutching stuffed animals.

“This isn’t over,” advisor Suzanne Woolfolk said, as she rapidly clenched a stress ball of Talon advisor Michael Moul’s goateed head. “Far from it. I don’t care that I don’t have a class. I’ll rematch Talon, all by myself.”

Officials from the school announced that, in the hiatus, the senior members of The Talon’s Editorial Board would be in charge of the school for the remainder of the fall semester. Their first order of business, according to one inside source, will be to construct a statue depicting Eric Thiem’s game-ending catch. Assuming Adam Spielman remains in his current state, plans to incorporate the senior into the scene are also under way.

“I just don’t know what we’ll all do with our empty sixth period,” ASB Vice President Olivia Jain said, before glancing contemplatively at a freshly-printed stack of Talon applications.
Published April 1, 2016, for April Fool’s Day.