Statements made in this column are not to be taken as fact. Satire is protected by California state law. None of the content in this column is malicious in nature.

Teenagers have developed a new response to AB 1474, or the “one-year law,” which prevents new drivers from driving peers until they have had their licenses for one year. Instead of carrying passengers inside the automobiles, teen drivers have begun protesting the law by strapping friends to the outsides of their vehicles, thus claiming that they are no longer passengers.

According to junior Otto von Stoich, the law is entirely unreasonable, as a requirement to receive a license is to demonstrate competence with a vehicle.

“Apparently we can’t safely chauffeur our friends around in our cars,” Otto said. “So I have to get creative; I tie [sophomore Cassandra Bell] to the roof. Hell, I can attest that she does not like being wrapped in duct tape and knocked around. But damn it, she’s hungry, for Christ’s sake. I don’t have a choice.”

The LAPD is skeptical of the many “excuses” of teenagers and maintains that the law is both reasonable and necessary.

“The law is the law,” School Transportation Sheriff Charley Dab said. “We know that students want to get out there and have some fun, but they have to remember to be safe and act mature with vehicles. [AB 1474] was written to protect students, and it’s high time they recognized that.”

In students’ eyes, this is a horribly bigoted and unfair assessment.

“F the police,” senior Dave Dumberdun said. “The pricks don’t let us experiment— we can’t adapt to our new freedom because they piss on the damn Constitution and drool on the Bill of Rights. Try and take away my rights and I’m going to call a lawyer, because I got money and I can. Stay away from my liberty, you bunch of damn commies.”

Students are finding many ways to protest AB 1474. New methods of transportation include riding in red wagons and tying Waveboards to the back of cars.

Several students have even taken inspiration from the ships of colonial times, which often had mermaids and other statues on the prows, and have begun tying friends to the hoods of their cars in tribute.

“I think we all would rather not break the law, but there are some things we need to take a stand on,” Junior Class President Haley Impriss said. “Of course, we are wearing helmets and taking all sorts of precautions to show that civil disobedience doesn’t have to be dangerous. It’s actually quite pretty: This crisis really epitomizes the incredible creativity of our unique student body.”