As I enter my last semester of high school, I realize how much I have matured over the past three-and-a-half years. No longer do my friends and I throw soda bottles at pigeons, hit each other in the private regions with soda bottles or anything that has to do with soda bottles. No, those times are over as we have blossomed into adults.

But there is still one thing that is holding me back from reaching my full maturity potential. As a legal adult, I cannot grow facial hair, no matter how long and hard I try. It’s as if some higher being is mocking and laughing at me as I wonder when the glorious day will finally come.

Almost all of my friends can grow some sort of facial hair whether it is porn star moustaches, chinstraps that remind me of good ole’ Abraham Lincoln or those monstrous beards that get them stopped at airport security. Just looking at their faces makes me drool as I envision each style on my smooth face. All of my friends look so old and wise as they stroke their beards while thinking and I feel like a grasshopper in the presence of a sensei.

I can understand my friends mocking me day in and out with their facial hair as high school students can be quite cruel to their own kind. But I see no reason why so many teachers have to show off what they can grow to those they know still can’t grow hair. An amazing four out of five of my teachers—yes underclassmen, the day that you have five classes will come eventually—have decided to show off, all choosing to sport the goatee look.

For the record, I am very thankful that not 100 my teachers have facial hair; not only would that be too cruel, but Ms. Fritz would not look good with a full-length beard.

I am not saying that teachers should shave … actually, that’s exactly what I am doing. How dare they take pleasure in accomplishing something someone half their age cannot do. This behaviour should not be allowed in this institution.

Alas, I fear that the day that I will finally be able to grow hair of my own is not coming soon enough. I could either settle for the smooth feel that I know chicks love, or I could by some hair from South Park’s Scott Tenorman; he seems to have an excess of body hair.

Either way, I hope the wait is not long for my own shiny goatee that I will show off to the rest of the world.