Last year, I came out as pansexual. Each time I come out to somebody, people have reacted in different ways: When I came out to my parents, I was rejected. Some of my friends embraced all of me; others didn’t. Each reaction was a lesson learned, all of which I hope to pass on to you.
There will be people who cannot accept that you’re the same person they thought you were. You might see displays of exaggerated shock, disgust, and even betrayal. They obviously made assumptions about your identity and will make it clear
that queer people are not their friend. While this hurts, you will know who holds dangerous beliefs.There will be people who are initially welcoming until they slowly drift away over time. The most painful part is the late realization of the reason for their gradually increasing distance. Sometimes, dealing with those who are direct is easier — it’s painful to be left second-guessing. Although it takes time, my advice is to remind yourself that actions speak louder than words.
There will be people who are genuinely glad that you’ve discovered more about yourself. I felt comforted when people excitedly told me, “I’m proud of you for sharing this with me” after learning about my struggle coming out from a homophobic household and culture. I also felt comforted when someone said, “Oh ok, cool.” Underwhelming? No — I think it’s a big step to normalizing being open with your identity.
There will be people just like you who are considering coming out. Hearing “Me too!” was very special to me. Coming out is central to our identity — it’s an experience often accompanied with nerves. In that sense, I think there is something innately magical about coming out together for the first time.
Hopefully, you can relate to positive experiences. The reality is, though, that we may get a mix of all of them. I wanted to share this today in hopes of letting you know various reactions others can have, but also appreciating the emotional openness it takes. If you love somebody, you’ll know to be supportive!
With love,
Faye
