I’ve always been quick to get overinvested.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing — I consider it one of my defining characteristics. I doubt there’s a lot of people who’d spend eight hours over multiple days deriving the moment of inertia of a cone spinning horizontally on its side (3/20MR² + 3/5MH²), or attend city council meetings and set up discussions with Councilmembers when they already have a permit.

But sometimes, it can go too far. I’m really quick to judge others if I feel they’re “cheating” or gaming the system. I can get really fed up over minute details. I can take perceived slights as huge insults, and blow things out of proportion. 

But worst of all, if I’m not interested in something, I can completely blow it off and procrastinate like nobody’s business.

This semester of senior year felt like a slog. And I’m not fully sure why. I’ve taken seven classes before, and I’ve done multiple years of varsity sports. It’s just sometimes I feel like I can’t find any motivation to do anything, even the stuff I love.

Senioritis is real — really fucking real. I joked about it before, and I thought it was an excuse to be lazy. I was looking forward to relaxing and letting a few grades slide my second semester. But that’s not what my recent phases of procrastination have been like.

They don’t feel relaxing. I worry about my grades more than ever before, because I don’t want to get rescinded. I worry about my parents’ opinion of me, because every time they see I got lunch detention for tardies they’re disappointed. I worry about college, because I wonder if I’ll truly have the perseverance to put in work when things are hard.

I’ve realized when I’m procrastinating, it’s not because I’m feeling lazy, or that I need to take a break. I want to be motivated, I want to have that spark of interest that’s always shaped who I am. 

It just isn’t there.

I need to learn to push through that. Right now, I’m in high school. And though my fears of rescinsion and losing all passion in college are real, I’d be lying if I said they’re likely to happen. But what about in a few years? I can get late credit for an AP Gov assignment, but if I procrastinate my quarterly report, I don’t get a raise. I can skip health here and there and get lunch detention, but if I skip a few boring meetings, I get fired. 

This semester hasn’t been the best, but high school’s for more than just learning facts. It’s taught me my limits — I’m definitely not going to do as many different things as I’m doing now in college — and I’m learning how to work when I don’t want to. 

As the school year winds down, with my classes finishing up, things are already feeling a bit better. It’s not the most fun, but I know that if I can get through these slumps, I’ll always bounce back.