Reasons you are fat: 1) Genetics. Your mother was fat. Your grandfather was obese. Your great-grandmother was a sumo wrestler. 2) Lack of exercise. The treadmill broke and you are afraid of daylight. 3) Diet. You like to eat the fattiest foods possible. Falling in love means finding a spouse who knows how to deep-fry.
For anyone not yet obese and curious how to get there, “Thisiswhyyourefat.com” (TIWYF.com) has your slightly chunky back. The website takes deep-fried pleasure to an absurd extreme, with grotesque displays of such fatty inventions as deep fried guacamole or a nine-decker Filet-O-Fish sandwich. It is a visual slap in the face to anyone who ever said moderation was a good thing.
But TIWYF.com can be more than just a dietary warning; it can provide culinary inspiration. Below is an entire meal created from TIWYF.com recipes eaten and reviewed by The Talon.
Disclaimer: if you have a heart condition or think your heart might burst from hearing about these artery-clogging delights, stop here.
Krispy Kreme Burger
The concept is simple: Take one In-N-Out Hamburger. Remove the buns and replace them with two Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts. Boom! You have the Krispy Kreme Burger. With an astronomical 880 calories and 41 grams of fat, the Krispy Kreme Burger is like a heart attack in a sandwich. Or a deep-fried pleasure fest.
Take one bite and your mouth is filled with sugary deliciousness that can be attributed to the doughnut, as flakes of glaze melt in your mouth. However, take another and the doughnut acquires a chewy tender texture that nothing but fresh meat can provide.
The “secret sauce” of a typical delicious In-N-Out burger compliments the meat quite well, but when accompanied by the sweet taste of a doughnut, it becomes a catalyst for disaster. By the time you finish the burger, you never want to eat a donut or a burger ever again. Do not try this at home.
When it comes to beverages, TIWYF.com gets fancy.
Pour a McDonalds’ chocolate milkshake into a glass, rub barbeque sauce along the rim, and stick in a Chicken McNugget as a garnish. TIWYF.com then calls for adding vodka, but a virgin McNuggetini is just as classy.
This cocktail for the fast-food crowd will either rest peacefully in your stomach or hurl out of your throat in seconds.
Your hands may shake as you grasp your McNuggetini, but be brave. It will not last long.
Take one sip and your fears are erased. It tastes just like a chocolate milkshake. Yum.
However, dare to take another slug, and a glob of barbeque sauce may mix in with the chocolaty ambiance of your shake. This combination may taste like mixing a dead animal and ice cream. Do not be afraid to cry.
Unless you are a barbeque fiend or a sicko, this beverage may not be for you. If McDonald’s ever opens a chain of bars, this will probably not be the first cocktail on the menu.
Ah, time for dessert and who does not love fondue? Melted chocolate perfectly caresses marshmallows, strawberries and…bacon? Only if you let TIWYF.com be your guide.
Fry your bacon. Melt some chocolate. Put them together and you have either a dessert with a touch of breakfast or a breakfast with a touch of dessert?
After one bite, the chocolate overwhelms the bacon, and all is well. However, after eating two slices, the salty bacon flavor takes over, and sweet chocolate with fried meat is not a great combination.
It turns out that bacon is not a great food to dip in chocolate. Who knew?
With its unlikely combinations of fatty foods, TIWYF.com provides a recipe for a full meal: entrée, drink and dessert. But besides that, a lesson—fast food is fun but should be taken in moderation, with a cheeseburger one day and a doughnut the next. That is the cool way to be.