Like so many seniors right now, I am in the middle of the great bundle of joy that is college applications. It is the one chance for everyone to win the college over and get into the school of their dreams, but I have a question for all the colleges across America: Could you make your applications any dumber?
I am unable to describe myself in three words or share a life-changing experience that I will forever remember. I do not have a hero from a fictional novel—I don’t even have a real hero for that matter—and I have no idea what these quotes from poets even mean. Many of the applicants asked me to define myself in one word, and if I can’t do it in three, think how hard this is for me. I first wanted to put “sexy,” thinking that some old woman on the East Coast would love to get aa nice, water polo boy to look at on campus, but I decided against it. I then wanted to put “legit” or “Zelda*”, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t Ivy League-material words. So what have I put? Nothing, as I have no clue how to define 17 years into one simple word.
Another one of my favorite prompts is where do you see yourself in ten years? I see myself celebrating the ten year anniversary of being asked this question (credit to Mitch Hedberg, R.I.P).
There is some information about myself I don’t even want to know. When has my social security number ever come in handy? Um, never, although I have now memorized it by heart, and it is … Do you really think I am dumb enough to give my social security number away? Come on, I expected better from my readers.
But continuing on that point, I have no idea what my older brother’s middle name is, what his profession is or what brand of cologne he wears. Hell, all these dumb personal questions do is waste my valuable time that could be used to do … stuff, like breaking my record of 2 minutes 11 seconds on expert level minesweeper and trimming my great facial hair. I do not need to answer the same pointless questions over, and over, and over.
I just cannot stand the wait for the day I finish my very last essay, lick my very last envelope, and click that little submit button that controls my future. At least I have only two more months of this miserable activity, so have fun the rest of the school—worst is yet to come.
*Zelda is derived from the video game series Legend of Zelda. It means legendary or superior, and it was made by Camille Fritsch.